he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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