but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
