I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
