My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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