Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
