3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
