peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
