not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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