I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize