It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
