His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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