Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
that may or may not have been my penis.
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