if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You can't special order awesome
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize