i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
