When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I deserve this hangover.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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