Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
