He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
