one two three fourrrrnication!
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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