Need sex. Gaining weight.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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