his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
