found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
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