Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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