phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
