My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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