Plan B is the new Plan A
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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