we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
