Sober January is a disaster.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Edward fifth and chaser hands
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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