I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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