my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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