I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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