yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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