I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
