my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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