I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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