I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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