Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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