SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
