Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
