ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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