I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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