when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
