Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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