Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
