i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
