You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
