I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize