as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
