Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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