last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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