Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
