It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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