Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
