I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize