So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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