You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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