Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
