Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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