I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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