im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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