I could make wine with my vomit
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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