When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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