I'm pants shitting drunk right now
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
