Fuck appropriateness.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
