I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
