she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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